Under the load of pressure from modeling and compromising my morals and my voice, I’ve reached the conclusion that career wasn’t going to benefit me in any meaningful way longterm.
Don’t get me wrong, I love the majority of photographers I’ve worked with, they’ve been fantastic and a wonderful part of my life. I will still work with them whenever they want to, it’s not like I’m done with people taking photos of me. I’m just not a “model” anymore.
The industry is small in Arizona, everyone knows everyone, but almost no one has legitimate acting or modeling contacts where it matters most. Your work as a model isn’t worth anything to most photographers unless you are doing boudoir and lingerie. Bottom line is if you refuse to do them for whatever reason, it doesn’t matter how gorgeous you are, you won’t get paid. Unless you are extremely tall and thin, because at least in that case you can do real print work and runway.
It’s a lot of emotional drain. When I was preparing for shoots I’d get so uptight and nervous, I’d hate everything about how I look, I’d critique everything in photos, I was unhappy with the photographers for their work but didn’t want to offend so I’d post their pics anyway and wish I didn’t, etc, etc.
Watching my mouth has never been easy, but when I’m forced to not speak about my views and thoughts it’s belittling and borderline infuriating. Because I work with others in the industry I should just stand there and look good, but my mind doesn’t matter. My words and passion about issues I find important don’t matter. The photographers can post practically anything, about any subject, and no one is phased. However models just should shut up and compromise, or be professional even when the photographers are not even being civil. 🙄 It’s ridiculous and wrong, I’m not going to let myself be shushed in fear I won’t get offered photoshoots (that aren’t even paid).
Some moms are models, porn stars and strippers who show it all off. They aren’t afraid of their little ones seeing their bodies like that, and honestly more power to those ladies who rock it and don’t care. But that’s not me. I care. A lot.
I don’t want my son thinking he should chase after women who are sexual all the time, or who put their bodies out like that, especially at a young age. I don’t want him uncomfortable knowing his friends have seen me naked or almost nude, posing as if I’m having sex. No thanks.
I don’t want to disrespect my husband by putting out what I save for him to the world. Past partners don’t/wouldn’t matter, in our opinions, but people seeing us nude NOW, since we’re married, is off the table. We made commitments and promises and they include no cheating, and modeling in undies for me is the equivalent of him touching himself to pics of lingerie models. Both aren’t okay for us, neither is porn. Every couples dynamics are different and our vows work great for us.
Even if I weren’t married or a mom, I would be very hesitant. Money doesn’t bring happiness, and because I was abused sexually in childhood there are some paths that if taken would make me a miserable person. Others fantasizing about me is not an issue for me if I have clothes on and look sexy but classy, but if I’m looking sexual (huge difference between this and sexy) it’s like I’m being used as some imitation girlfriend/sexting buddy and that’s not my thing.
I figured I should clear things up because I made this decision about a week ago and it’s been the most freeing feeling in a long time. I am relaxed after YEARS of putting this stupid unnecessary pressure on myself and allowing others pressures to shake me. I’m still about fitness, I still like dressing up and having photos done, I’m still me but without that crippling uncertainty and anxiety. I feel amazing being able to let go of that burdening title and able to be myself and write what makes ME happy. Thank you to my supporters and friends, you’re my ride or dies and I love you tons. Thanks for keeping me sane and inspired.