Since I was 14 I’ve had an eating disorder. Most of you have read my other posts about how hard it was for me to be happy with my body during pregnancy when I began gaining a pound or so a week (in the second and third trimesters), and my most recent post about my body was positive, and I had been feeling content with the weight I was at and the way my clothes fit.
Well, anorexia is tricky and will come and go. I felt great a few weeks ago, but now I’m back in the rut and wanting to cut calories, even though if I do I won’t make even half as much milk as I have been, and I’m barely able to feed Aiden without supplementing at the moment. If I don’t eat enough calorie dense foods and drink a ton of water, I make almost nothing.
So why am I suddenly freaking out over my weight? Because I’m stressed. When I was younger and didn’t care much about my body, if I got overwhelmed and angry, I’d either self harm or I’d starve myself because it gave me control over my body, control no one else had on me. I felt in other ways I had been helpless and my sense of security was gone. In that mindset, refusing to eat was empowering, hiding the food I had lied about eating was a thrill, and watching the pounds disappear and my clothes become looser was liberating. I know that’s such unhealthy thinking, I even knew then. I just didn’t care for a long, long time.
If I know it’s unhealthy thinking then I should not go back to it, logically. But thanks to the over-thinking and anxiety ridden part of my brain, in the moment where I’m at my lowest, I dismiss the logic in the situation and decide to focus on my emotions.
What do I mean at my lowest point? It’s usually a combination of
- Stresses with trying to find paid modeling jobs.
- Fighting with Bryce, my mom, or my grandparents.
- Aiden is screaming a lot, fussing, and/or not napping enough.
- Feeling like I ate a lot and didn’t burn it off or didn’t workout at all.
- Staring at and critiquing the way I look in unflattering photos.
- Stress from not cleaning the house or cooking that day.
- Stress from not making a lot of milk.
- Looking at my cellulite and not being able to workout that day due to exhaustion, time, etc.
- Or not doing my best at a photoshoot.
- Feeling like because I’m not in college, I’m a failure.
- Thinking too much about my mistakes.
If I’m having two or more of those things at a time for more than a few hours, I sink into a horrible depression which leads to feeling out of control and needing to “get my power back”, leading back to the eating disorder. I start seeing my body as not good enough, feeling tightness in the center of my chest and in my shoulders, becoming internally hyper and easily aggravated, wanting to run, starting fights (which leads back to depression) and then crying. It’s a horrible cycle and hard to break.
I have been working on coping skills, healthy eating habits, focusing on the positive things in my life, trying to get more modeling work, and playing with my son. Honestly, some days NONE of it works and I just let the insecurity take over, I don’t eat enough and/or I exercise too strenuously. I try to be happy with myself, it’s hard though.
I have stretch marks, scars, cellulite, and some loose skin on my stomach, and it’s something I can work on but shouldn’t hate myself for having it. I’ve just been in a hard place and have to learn to like myself again.
That being said, for those who are having similar insecurities, can always message me on IG, Snapchat, or comment on here and I’ll be happy to chat. Thank you for reading this and have a great night. ❤